That ending. And why I write.

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Fun fact: I do not like to cry. Which is why:

  • I turn the channel with lightening speed anytime I hear Sarah McLachlan’s breathy voice at the start of the worst commercial known to man: those pet rescue ones with the sad animals.
  • I generally refuse to watch Nicholas Sparks movies. (Plus, crying at Nicholas Sparks movies is confusing. During the few I’ve watched, I never know whether I’m legit crying at the storyline or in anger over being emotionally manipulated.)
  • Back when Parenthood was on, I mostly had to watch it alone. Because if I’m going to cry–which that show pretty much guaranteed–I at least prefer to do it in the privacy of my own home…where I’m the only one who has to deal with the horror of my post-sob appearance.

But there’s one exception to my “Avoid Crying At All Costs” rule: Books.

I loooove books that can make me cry. In a way, I feel like it’s a greater feat than tear-producing movies or TV…those things get the perks of dramatic music, closeups of facial expressions. Even sweeping landscapes and melodic voiceovers add to the sentient potential.

But books that can make a person cry…authors who use words alone to tilt hearts and pummel emotions in a good way…that’s where both the storyteller and feeling-human in me start doing mental cartwheels of excitement and admiration. 

I could list quite a few books that have made me cry–happy tears and sad tears and happy-sad tears. (The latter otherwise known as bittersweet tears, but it was more fun to write happy-sad.)

But there are few that have made me weep. Like…WEEP. 

I just finished a series recently, though, that did exactly that. I enjoyed the whole trilogy, but it was the ending that completely undid me. I immediately Facebook messaged a couple friends–one of whom was the one who told me to read the books in the first place*–to tell them I’d never been so affected by the ending of a story.

The series: The Price of Privilege trilogy by Jessica Dotta.

True story: I reread the last chapter again today before composing this post. I wept all over again.

Ack, guys, it’s just the most beautiful ending ever.**

*****

Soooo…sometimes I wonder why I write books. 

I mean, I know why I started writing books. Because I love stories and it’s been a dream for as long as I can remember to write a novel and see it published. I am crazy-grateful that it actually happened!

But sometimes I wonder why I’m still writing books. Not because it’s dreadful and hard (sure, it has its not-so-fun moments but it’s also a blast and a dream come true) and not because I’ve written so many that I’m out of ideas. I’m only a few books in, after all!

But because life, at times, feels so full and even fulfilling without the whole book thing. I enjoy my day job. I looove hanging out with family and friends. I don’t even know what it feels like to feel bored because there’s always another book to read or movie to watch or road trip to take.

And I’m well aware there’s an entire world full of hurting and lonely and hungry and desperate people…and when I’m willing to step out of my own busyness and allow the boundary lines of my life to get a little messier, a little more flexible, I can impact someone else’s life. In other words, it’s that whole “it’s not about me” thing. That thought and its implications can keep a life endlessly packed with meaning and activity and purpose.

So where does writing books really fit into the life and calling God has for me?

(Apology moment: I didn’t foresee this blog post getting so personal nor so journaly. Sorry about that. But not sorry enough to delete all this and start over, I guess. 🙂 )

Well, there’s a quote in the third Price of Privilege book that honest-to-goodness felt like a rally call to Melissa-the-writer.

“I call her forth with story. How else can I fan to embers the truth of who she is? For look, she has forgotten.”

Whoa.

I had to put the book down for a moment after reading those lines. Then I picked it up and read it again. Bookmarked it in on my kindle. 

That is it, I thought. That’s why I’m still writing books.

Because in the act of writing books, I’m holding up a mirror to my own heart. Exploring its nooks and crannies. Unknowingly, often. I mean, I don’t set out saying, “In this book I’m going to face that hurt I don’t like to talk about” or “I’m going to get vulnerable on the page ’cause yay, doesn’t that sound fun!”

It’s why I always hesitate to give a firm answer when someone asks me about my current WIP’s story question or theme. Because I know whatever I might think it is in the beginning, it’ll always change by the end as God uses the writing process to do his thing in my heart.

In fact, it’s one of the most magical and also intimate parts of writing–that moment when you realize there’s a reason God has you writing this story at this time. Because without you even knowing it at first, he’s using your own characters to untangle an emotional or spiritual knot you might not have approached otherwise.

And those tears I generally hate to cry? I’m pretty sure some of the most healing tears of my life have come during the writing of my own books. 

That’s why I write.

And I’d like to think readers get at least a hint of that same experience: self-discovery and even better, God-discovery. I hope there are moments when readers suddenly see themselves in my (or other authors’) characters and feel that same potent whisper…

I call her forth with story…

Melissa First Name Sig

 

 

 

* This is my public thank you to Rachel McMillan for the book recommendation. You’ve steered me toward many a good book in our history of friendship–Blue Castle, anyone?–but this recommendation takes the cake. Takes the cake? What does that even mean? But seriously, you deserve ALL the Facebook stickers for this rec!

** Just a note about the series: If you’re looking for light-hearted historical romance, this is not it. Genre-wise, it leans toward gothic, and its spiritual themes are not spelled out. It’s unlike anything else I’ve read in Christian fiction, especially the ending. Gorgeous, unpredictable, and emotionally traumatic in the best possible way. 

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    Comments 18

    1. Wow, Melissa. I sat here with tears in my own eyes reading this. ( I rarely cry but often grow teary-eyed 😉 )
      This is so much what my heart needed to hear. One gift of words from God, via you a fellow writer, to me as He renews my work in progress heart. <3

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        Oh, I’m so glad the post was what you needed to hear…and when you needed to hear it, Megan. To be honest, when I finished writing it yesterday, I thought, “Welp, I’m not sure this post will really matter to anyone else since it’s mostly me rambling about, well, me…and my own writing and realizations.” But I’m glad to hear it resonated with you! And I love the phrase you used…”work in progress heart.” Right there with you. 🙂

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    2. I am a fan of your books and always love it when something really speaks to me. It could be a word, sentence or paragraph, … I keep a memory book and will write it down with the date so I can see if the meaning changes in my life.

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        Brenda, I can’t tell you how encouraging it is to hear there are things in the book that resonate with you…seriously, sooo encouraging. Love the idea of keeping a memory book!

    3. Oh, Melissa. This post was truly a gift for me this evening. 🙂 Reading your insights and your deepest personal thoughts is an honor — and so much of what you said resonates with me sooooo much! Such as, why you even do this book-writing thing anyway. I’m a baby author as of now, but my biggest dream is to one day publish my books. Yet sometimes I have those moments and wonder — WHY do I do this? And then God taps me on the shoulder and gives me the reason.

      I never used to cry very much, but then….I turned sixteen. And now for some reason I cry over movies and books MUCH more than I ever used to! ;-P Also musicals. Man, do I love a musical that can make me weep.

      Thank you SO much for writing this. 🙂

      ~Emma

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        Emma, thanks so much for your comment! I’m glad it felt like a gift. 🙂 I hope that publishing dream comes true! I really believe God gives us dreams like this for a reason.

        I cry easily at musicals, too! Especially Fiddle on the Roof…that one tears me apart every time. lol!

    4. I can so relate to this “I do not like to cry.” My family knows that if anyone dies in a movie, I will not watch it. Anything with animals dying, even more so. Nicholas Spark, well I have to steel myself not to get attached to the characters, because SOMEONE is going to die!
      So this book recommendation has intrigued me. Will have to look for them!
      Thanks!
      Sue

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        That’s the thing that makes me so mad about Nicholas Sparks stuff. You KNOW someone is always going to die…and I’m all for a character dying if it fits the story. But I feel like in his, it’s just routine…part of the formula. So most the time, I just can’t bring myself to watch them. Haha!

        You’ll have to prepare for tears, though, in the Dotta series. It’s just amazingly good, but I don’t see how anyone could possibly make it through without crying. 🙂

    5. Melissa! Thank you so much for this post and for sharing your heart. Your thoughts on the Price of Privilege series are on target! THAT ENDING is just profound. And Isaac <3. I read those earlier this year back-to-back. I'm so glad I was alone when I finished the last book because I was pretty much weeping!

      Keep writing!

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        YAY another fan! I fell completely for Isaac. <3 <3 <3 And yep, same here--I was so glad I was alone when I got to the end of the last one because I was a mess. Lots of books have impacting moments or stay with me for days after reading them. But that one, I'm pretty sure, will stay with me indefinitely.

    6. First, you’ve been blogging again and I somehow missed it! So YAY to discovering this today. Second, I’m reading these books on my upcoming vacation. And finally…this…this post!!!! That quote?? Like you dug into my brain. Love this, Melissa. L-o-v-e.

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        I am blogging again! But a bit sporadically, I’m afraid. I was going to shoot for every Monday but so far it’s been about every other Monday. But oh wells. 🙂 I decided when I jumped back in, “No rules!”

        Glad you liked the quote and the post. Seriously, those books are sooo full of awesome quotes and amazing moments. And seriously unlike anything else I’ve read in CBA, that’s for sure. Make sure you’ve got Kleenex handy, though.

    7. As usual, Melissa, this is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey through writing. I thank you for continuing on this journey and sharing nooks of your heart through your books. They are always lovely and wonderful. This entire post = beautifully written.

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        And thank YOU for such a lovely comment, Rissi! It’s interesting…reading that book and writing this post, it really hit me what I’d be losing if I stepped away from writing books. (Which is something I think about now and then when life gets busy or other pieces of life feel huge and consuming.) And, you know, if there comes a time when it needs to happen for a season, that’s okay. But looking back on the last five or six years of my life, I really think the greatest moments of spiritual clarity and growth in my faith have happened through the writing process. I love that God finds uniquely individual, personal ways to communicate with us.

    8. I heart this post, and I feel like I’m seriously missing out on book recommendations! I’ve read the first in this series, and loved it, but just haven’t had an opportunity to finish it. It’s now at the top of my book list. 🙂

    9. Melissa

      God made you, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, He new you from before the beginning of Earth.
      Thank God He made you, for through you, others can be helped as you help yourself, does, this thought alone, not just blow you away????
      When you think of how enormous and wonderful, what you hold in your hand to do……I really have no more words to describe how blessed you are, how blessed we are! Just kidding I feel the need to lighten thing’s up here.
      Thank God for you, and, for those like you who help, for yes there is a whole wide world out there, and you, just think are a huge part of it.
      And besides that you get to write those endings .

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