 Yeah, I made this. Yeah, it’s totally relevant to this post. |
| So, last week I got a review I was pretty excited about for my book. I might have squealed a little when I read it. I told a few people. And one person’s response went a little (or exactly) like this: |
“Oh cool. So you got almost as many stars as you could have.”
Yup. 🙂 To be fair, I think this person honestly meant it as a compliment. And thankfully, I have a pretty okay sense of humor so I found it more funny than offensive.
“So, if I wait long enough, do you think I’d be able to get your book free on kindle and not have to pay for it?”
That time I might have choked on my Diet Coke for a sec.These two incidents reminded me of lists I’ve seen around the www of things you shouldn’t say to writers. Things like, “So how’s your little hobby going?” or “You’re STILL working on that book?” or “Was your advance five figures or six?”
“How can you write a romantic comedy when you’re not married?”
Yes, someone said this to me. And I was so sure they were going to tack on “or funny” at the end that I waited before responding. But I guess they were tossing me that one. My reply, a very serious and not at all sarcastic, “I really don’t know. Brilliant guesswork?”
Now I realize we have to show grace to people when less-than-tactful things slip out. I mean, we’ve all had those moments, right? I once had to interview a prominent government official right after he got fired. My first question, “So, how are you doing today?”
Yeah, not my proudest reporter moment. So I’m all for gracious responses.
However, there is one thing I just cannot handle hearing. And I’m pretty sure every writer in every corner of the world could sympathize with my feeling of “please tell me you didn’t just say that” when I heard this:
“But you like writing, right? So it’s not like it’s really hard or anything.”
Ever have one of those times when so many snarky replies enter your head at once that you don’t know which one to actually verbalize?
This wasn’t one of those times.
Oh no. I was totally speechless. Writing…not hard??
At the time all I did was shake my head. But here’s what I wish I would’ve said:
Not so fast, my seriously confused friend…writing is crazy, crazy hard. It is. It forces you to dig deep and tap into vulnerabilities that otherwise might not see the light of day. It means late nights and early mornings and in my case, generally more caffeine than any one person should consume at a given time. It’s frustrating and tiring and so mood-altering it deserves a warning label in fine print.
But oh I love it. Not always so much the actual writing part—the sitting at my desk and forcing myself to come up with words thing. But the storytelling part. The “the end” part. The parts when a character says the perfect line or a scene shapes up so much better than I’d imagined. I love it.
I probably love it all the more because of the challenge of it.
But it’s so. not. easy.
And all the writers said “Amen.” 🙂
Comments 60
I can’t think of anything really tacky but I have been asked a couple of times if this writing gig was financially lucrative. Uh, no. If I broke it down by the hours I work at both writing and marketing, it would be way less than minimum wage!
Haha, oh yes, I’ve had some of those questions, too. One person even said, “It must be nice to be making all that extra money.” It was all I could do not to burst out laughing. Not that I’m not incredibly thankful for that advance check, etc. But the way they said “all that extra money” made it sound as if they thought I was raking in the big bucks.
Yes, and that “extra” tends to go into things like websites and conferences and other writerly things!
Exactly! Most of us don’t do this for the money. 🙂
AMEN!!!
Words may come easy, but digging deep down inside and bringing a true-to-life story alive and creating a whole cast of characters that have actual lives and are different from one another is a whole other realm!
One question I asked someone that I would label as ‘tacky’ was at a funeral. I asked the aunt of the deceased, “How are you doing?”
Duh. Definitely not so great at that moment. Yeah, I totally regretted asking that the minute the words left my mouth.
Great post. I enjoyed reading!
Oh Rachel, yes, I think we’ve all had those “uh, what was I thinking?” moments when we’ve asked “how’re you doing?” at the wrong times. Haha!
Love this post! And you have a very good angle on romantic comedy as someone who is single, I promise! Don’t ever let anyone tell you that the two are mutually exclusive, because they’re not!
The tackiest thing anyone said to me was when I was pregnant at a drive-thru.
“Oh, you must be having a girl!”
“I sure am. What makes you say that?” (Silly. Silly. Silly.)
“Because your face is so round!”
Nice. Haha!
Thank you for what you said on my angle on rom-com. 🙂
And OH MY WORD who would say that?? I think that actually goes beyond tacky. Haha!
I still love my mom’s response when I got my first book contract. Mind you, I’d just published over 700 articles already that year, and been working as a freelance writer for five years.
But when I told her about the book contract she said, “Now you’re finally a writer!” I just had to laugh.
Great post, thanks so much for sharing!
Oh that’s so hilarious, Edie. I’m glad you were able to laugh about it. 700 articles is beyond impressive. 🙂
LOVE THIS POST.
LOVE IT.
Posts like this are one of the reasons I LOVE YOU, Melissa.
Okay, snarky thing said to me:
I was at a writers conference — one for both fiction and nonfiction writers. Someone asked me what I wrote. I said I wrote for newspapers and magazines.
And the guy said (drumroll please): “Oh, so you’re not a real writer.”
DEAD SILENCE.
I was beyond shocked. I was, in his opinion, not a real writer because I wasn’t writing books.
Okay then.
Haha, thank you and I love YOU, Beth.
I think I’ve heard you tell that story before about the guy at the conference. I mean, seriously…really…and dude, he was actually at a writers conference. You’d think of all places for someone to understand that all different types of writing make us “real writers,” it’d be at a conference.
I would love to get to respond to that sometime like this: Exactly. Because all those words in my newspaper and magazine articles sorta weren’t actually written…they just magically appeared on the page…”
Boy, did you ever prove that guy wrong! Love your books, Beth.
I had someone say something to me yesterday (at a memorial service for a mutual friend, no less) that I found remarkably tacky, to be honest. I also feel safe in knowing she won’t read this. If she does, well… She said, “[Another mutual friend] said I just HAD to get your book, so I bought it on Amazon. Then [the mutual friend] gave me her copy to read. So now I’m stuck with two copies of your book.” No word whether she’d ever read one of the copies, of course, but she was obviously perturbed that she was “stuck” with one (maybe two) she didn’t want. She even told me she tried to take it back to Barnes & Noble (you can only get them on Amazon or online). Sometimes you just have to plaster the smile on your face, mumble something you hope is halfway polite and move on. Part of the life of being a writer. I always tell those aspiring to publish they ARE writers. Getting published is only a step in the journey. But the journey sure teaches you a lot. Congrats on your upcoming book release, Melissa! Your book is my favorite genre (as if you didn’t know), and I really can’t WAIT to read it. Many blessings!
*GASP* Stuck with?? Stuck with?? And then to tell you she tried to take it back to a store…that is beyond tactless. Hurrah for you though for just smiling and moving along. Oh man…
And thanks for the congrats!
One person in my life told me my book was a “cute little book,” which probably was meant as a compliment, but it felt more like I was getting a pat on the head.
Another person asked me what I wrote, and I told him Christian romance. He said, “Is that where they have sex but they feel guilty about it?”
Sigh.
Oh. My. Word.
Yeah, there ya go: Christian romance = sex, but we feel guilty about it.
So we have a new formula:
Sex + Guilt = Christian Romance
Who knew it was as easy as that??
But what I want to know is, how did you respond to the guy who asked you that, Julie?? I think I would’ve had trouble not bursting into laughter.
That’s right up there with a friend of my husband’s who told him I was writing porno for women. It’s Christian romance!!! There’s nothing more than kissing! Sigh.
WHAT?! I feel like the entire world needs a course on the difference between romance and erotica in fiction. Now you have me wondering what your husband’s response was. 🙂
I laughed and probably rolled my eyes. This guy is pretty sarcastic, so I didn’t let it get to me.
Oh, I loved this, Melissa! Well, not the tacky comments, but you know what I mean!
Things that have been asked/said to me:
*”Would you read my 400+ page memoir? It has lots of romance, and I know you write romance, right?” (And this person refuses to take writing courses, become a member of a writers group, etc. because she “doesn’t need them.”)
*”You have an agent. Why aren’t you published yet?”
*”You mean you really write romantic Christian fiction? Isn’t that a sin?”
Yep. Ahhhh. Thick skin, gal!
You’re doing awesome! 🙂
Gasp! I had no idea writing romantic Christian fiction was a sin. No. Idea.
HAHA…gasping along with Beth about the sin question. That’s just too funny. Another one I wouldn’t have been able to contain my laughter about…
As for the person asking you to read the 400 page memoir…oh dear. The fact that she won’t take a writing course or join a group is disconcerting enough but I’m also aghast by the “lots of romance” thing. Hasn’t she heard romance in Christian fiction is a sin?? 🙂
Seriously, some of the most tacky things said to me, if I choose to remember them are probably too painful to share. Therefore, I choose to forget them. But, one that was kind of funny was when I was asked to play piano for something and then told, “well, we can’t ask so and so to do it because she works.” Ummm…ok… so the hospital must just donate money to me every couple weeks. And just for the record, stay at home moms….because I did some of those leisure years as well….JUST KIDDING….I would validate you all. That is most definitely work too! Rewarding, yes. Fun, yes. But work. Kind of like writing. And for any of my kidos reading this who know I don’t generally appreciate too much sarcasm, this was a rare moment! 🙂
HA, Mom, I like your rare moments of sarcasm!! And the hospital comment made me LOL. Although how nice would it be if the hospital DID just donate money to you every couple weeks instead of making you actually work for it?? Hehehe…Oh, and good job praising the stay at home moms too. It’s all work…I hate it when I see fights break out online over whether one or the other is better.
Questions when you’re infertile (not told anyone) but childless for longer than expected?
“You know, you’re the only one here (at Thanksgiving) that hasn’t any kids, you should really get on that.”
“I bought this cute little newborn outfit for you. Maybe you’ll get ideas.”
“You know, if you want one of these (point to baby), I can tell you how to go about getting one since it seems you haven’t figured it out yet.”
And then after we admitted to infertility, I got this winner: “Just start the adoption process and you’ll get one.” This came from a lady that adopted two children and DIDN’T become pregnant. What the what?
Stay at home mom tacky quotes:
“How can you as an educated woman be fulfilled staying home?”
And to hubby. “You’re really letting her get away with doing nothing?”
Writing? I haven’t had too many. But one after discussing what I write:
“Well, I refuse to pay for books.” (Guess who’s never going to ask that lady to be an influencer! :))
Melissa, I’ve gotten lots of those infertility questions and suggestions, too. Totally know how it feels. I think people just don’t know what to say.
OH my, you know, I think it’s great to have a sense of humor when people say tacky things about not-as-important or sensitive issues. But something like infertility…that’s just not laughable. Like Marney said, yeah, people probably just don’t know what to say. But when we don’t know what to say, maybe it’s better to not say anything…to just offer a hug instead.
As for the “how can you as an educated woman be fulfilled staying home?” comment…it’s comments like that which make me think the occasional punch-in-the-face isn’t such a horrible thing. HAHA…j/k…not really advocating for violence. 🙂
Great post, as usual, Melissa. And thanks for the validation. Writing is really tough, but so many people think it’s easy. For the most part, I haven’t had to deal with people’s comments (at least to my face), but maybe that has to do with me knowing a bit of karate. 🙂
OOH you know karate? That’s too cool. And yeah, it’s funny-and-yet-not to me that people assume writing is easy for writers. It’s actually probably harder for us than non-writers because we care that much more about it.
Oh the world is so full of clueless people…
At a family reunion, a cousin asked what I had been up to. I shared about my day job, then mentioned I was writing a book. Her comment was, “Oh, anybody can write a book.”
I was dumbfounded and ranted halfway home about her comment.
Hubby, being the calm, Voice of Reason, quietly replied, “You know, Lisa. She’s right. Anyone *can* write a book.”
I was about to go off on another rant when he held up a hand and said, “But not everyone will get published.”
I married such a wise man.
So, yeah, next time I see that relative, I totally want to stick out my tongue at her and say something like “Nanny nanny boo boo…stick your head in….”, but I will refrain. Not showing my maturity or grace by acting like that.
Ohhhh, your husband is so sweet. 🙂
And please do the sticking out your tongue, nanny nanny boo boo thing. And video tape it. I’d really appreciate that. 🙂
Thanks, Melissa. As someone who is very new to all of this, thank you for saying that it’s hard work, even for those who’ve been doing it for awhile. I’m encouraged to know that the fact that it’s hard doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing – even though I still have LOTS to learn.
You know what, Marie? I think the fact that it’s hard might mean you DO know what you’re doing…or at least that you’re putting the right amount of effort in. I mean, if it becomes easy, that means we’re not pushing ourselves, right?
My mom gets on me ALL. THE. TIME. about why I’m revising my first manuscript, a contemporary/women’s fiction novel. Her trying-to-be-complimentary-and-encouraging-but-really-just-tacky comments include:
“You know it’s never going to be good enough” (meaning I’m a perfectionist who needs to let it go eventually)
“You should write faster if you want to get published”
(meaning I’ll never make money at this writing gig if I spend all my spare time and change on research trips for historical accuracy)
And my personal favorite…
“You should totally send this in to Guideposts Magazine.”
Yeah. Send my 90K novel to Guideposts. I’ll get right on that, Mom. 🙂
LOL about the Guideposts magazine thing! That is too cute and funny. As for the admonishment to write faster…shaking my head. 🙂 Better to slowly write a historically accurate book than quickly write a sloppy book, right?
And all I got here is an AMEN SISTER! lol 🙂
I get – “So you’re a writer but you’re not published? How does that work?” Or many, many variations on that one. Yep…
Oh dear, sighing on the “you’re not published?” thing. Now that’s a frustrating question!
The one that gets me is, “you know you’ll never get paid for all the hours you’ve put in that book.”
Ugh.
Which is when I’d want to say, “Gee, thank you so much for that uplifting thought!” HA!
This was said to me across the desk by a co-worker, “I just took that same blouse to donate to the thrift store.”
Um.
And in the writing category, “How are your book sales going? By the way, I loaned my copy to a friend and she wants to read it, too, because she wants to write a book, can you help her?”
“Ok. Thanks.” and “We’ll see.” I may be too busy counting my royalty pennies, or shopping for a new blouse or something.
I love the sense of humor in your comment, Beverly. 🙂
Ok, so let me preface this by saying I was post-call (read: I hadn’t slept in about 29 hours). I went in to see 2 patients, and their teenage mom was there with other people. I asked if the other person was grandma. Yeah, she wasn’t grandma, she was the mom’s cousin.
I also ask people how they’re doing when I meet them before surgery. I haven’t figured out a good way to start a conversation for that.
It drives me absolutely bonkers when I go into a patient’s room, and I always introduce myself as a doctor, and then the patient keeps referring to me as “the nurse” because I’m female.
I think 29 hours without sleep excuses any and all momentary loss of tact. 🙂
Also, you’re an anaesthesiologist (no clue how to spell that!), right? So you could totally go with this when you’re meeting people pre-surgery: “I won’t ask how you’re doing, but I can tell you this: You’re going to feel really good really soon… ” 🙂 Haha!
I have another friend who’s a doctor and I think she has the same experience from time to time–with people assuming she’s the nurse. Silly people.
LOL. I do have a version of that. If I ask how someone’s doing, and they tell me they’re “not great” or “nervous” or something to that effect, I tell them I’m the bartender, and I can fix that problem as soon as they have an IV.
You got an interesting mix of English (anaesthetist) and American (anesthesiologist) there, and if you call an American anesthesiologist an anaesthetist/anesthetist that implies they’re a CRNA (nurse anesthetist). And the WWII vets can totally get away with calling me a “nurse” (they’re usually nice about it) it’s the people who show me no respect anyway. =)
Oh medicine, there is so much drama, not necessarily like on TV, but my inner monologue would make an interesting comic strip if nothing else. It’s a lot like Scrubs, but instead of walking around singing/dancing, I hum the theme song to “Elf.”
Maybe I need to start calling you Bartender Ash instead of Princess Ash. 🙂 Actually, how did Princess Ash get started? I don’t remember…
Yay for mixing English and American. Next thing you know I’ll start calling “z” “zed”…
Um, now I need to watch Elf because I can’t remember the theme song… 🙂
I honestly don’t remember how “princess ash” got started. In Arizona, I was “Ashleigh the Piratess,” “Ashleigh the Olde English Philosopher,” or “The Mighty Ashleigh.” I prefer Princess to Bartender, since bartender is more of a day job, and Princess is more permanent. =) I also can be called a professional gas passer.
It’s always appropriate to watch Elf. It is one of my favorite Christmas movies. I think it is a classic on par with the Bishop’s Wife, It’s a Wonderful Life, and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. You can also listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_WBGHKEPNY
Haha, I think I’d go with princess, too. My sister adores Elf so much that I now have much of it memorized. You know what I like about it? It really makes NO attempt to take itself seriously. I’m not sure I can personally put it on par with It’s a Wonderful Life because I don’t think I can put any movie on par with that one, BUT I would say that it’s one of my favorite newer Christmas movies…which is actually saying quite a lot since I tend to not like newer Christmas movies. 🙂 Yeah, I’m a traditionalist when it comes to holiday flicks. 🙂
For me, Elf and Second Hand Lions are going to become new classics. I will continue to think they are as good as the old movies, and did you notice my list? The newest one was Rudolph. 😉
LOVE it! This is a great post and so needed on this Monday evening. *Sigh* Since I’m a mother of four young children (and one of them likes to run around naked, as you know), I’m always asked: “How do you possibly find the time to write?!?!” Which isn’t a tacky question, but it gets old. I wish I could say to the person who asked the question: “How do you find time to work, or watch television, or scrapbook, or go shopping, or whatever it is you love to do?” We make time for the things we love. The tackiest question I’ve been asked was very recent. We are going to be homeschooling our oldest this year and my sister-in-law said: “Oh, so that means you’re giving up on that writing thing?” Um, no. I’ll still be writing from 9pm to midnight…I don’t write during the day…it’s called three year old twins. Homeschooling won’t change the fact that I write at night. Anyway. I could keep going. Thank you for reminding me that we’re all in this together. 🙂
Haha, I love your kids and I have a feeling Asher is going to grow up as a confident kid…’cause really, it takes a good degree of confidence to run around naked. Just as long as you get him cured of that by like, oh, age 10…not the confidence, the running around naked part. LOL!
And for the record, I’m glad you’re not giving up the writing thing. You’re too good at it. 🙂
Fun post, Melissa.
I’d been writing ever since I could remember, and started trying to get short stories published in high school. Then, in college, finished my first manuscript. Three or four years later, I made the decision to work fewer hours to dedicate more time to writing and attempting to get published. My boss’s boss asked me about my decision. I told him what my plan was, and he laughed. “Doesn’t it take a long time to get published?”
Um, yes. Yes it does. Thank you for enlightening me. 🙂
~ Jenness
HAHA..I’d have been tempted to reply, “No. No it’s actually incredibly easy and quick.” 🙂 Also, i can’t believe he laughed. Rude!
Two days ago a reader asked if I could send an e-book of my just released Memory’s Door .. for free. I told her I couldn’t, that the e-book comes from my publisher, not me.
Then I suggested she save .35 cents a day and she’d have enough to buy it in less than a month. I meant it in a good way, but wow, I now I realize it probably came across as a major snark. Whoops.
Haha, I don’t know about the major snark thing…rather, you were offering sound financial advice. Very Dave Ramsey-esque! 🙂
My favorite tacky response came when I was selling the print version of Give the Lady a Ride at a festival. A young lady came up, took a picture of the cover, and said, “Now I can buy it on sale on Amazon.”
Thanks, kid.
Wow. Just…wow.
This is awesome, Melissa! But it always is. I am shocked by the level of tacky in some of the things people have said to you and the other commenters! I do love seeing the comments from both sides…those who’ve had people say stupid things and those who are wise enough to know when they’ve been the one with foot-in-mouth disease. I was a hair stylist for almost 20 years. I learned fairly quickly what NOT to ask people that I only saw every 4-6+ weeks…especially about pregnancies and illnesses. The worst was with a young newlywed man who’d been coming to see me even before he married. I knew his wife had been battling cancer and it had been a few months since he’d been in, but the last I’d heard, the prognosis was good. Of course, I asked him how his wife was. She’d passed away the previous month. Crickets. How do you come back from that? Well, I’ll tell you: you don’t…unless the person is incredibly gracious (he was) and let’s you off the hook (he did.)
On the flip side of that, I actually had my high school counselor tell me I was “too smart to go to ‘beauty school'” and that it would be a “waste” of my intelligence. What?! (For the record, Cosmetology School was a LOT of work…chemistry, anatomy, geometry, and more!) My other pet peeve is when people find out you’re pregnant (or engaged, etc.) and feel the need to tell you every possible horrific scenario they’ve ever experienced or even heard from someone else. Eek, nothing like ruining exciting news! Now that I’m writing, I haven’t had too many people make tacky comments. I do get the “you’re not done yet?” and the “I don’t understand why it takes so long,” but nothing related to my personal writing. (I’m sure it will come, though!) I did have one funny experience when I told my massage therapist that I wrote Christian Fiction and she was confused. She couldn’t imagine there were that many ways to re-tell Bible stories. I gently explained that 1.) The Bible is not fiction, and 2.) The stories I write are about people who read/follow the Bible, not people who lived the Bible. =)
Here’s the thing I realized in reading through these comments, Heidi: There’s funny, oblivious tacky…and then there’s downright rude and insensitive tacky, which man, some of the commenters have experienced! Poor people!!
As for people reciting horrific scenarios when you have a big life change, YEAH…what is up with that?? I was with a friend once who’d just found out she was pregnant and another friend proceeded to share like every horrible pregnancy story ever. My pregnant friend and I just kept exchanging glances, like, really?? REALLY??