Saturday morning while the rest of the (sane) world was sleeping in, I woke early – excited, energized, enthused. (Okay, honesty time: I meant to wake early, but accidentally fell back asleep after slapping my alarm clock. Which meant when I finally did wake up at 7:20-something, I only had a few minutes to do the frenzied “try to look halfway put together” thing before meeting my carpool friend. Which meant halfway through the day I realized a) one of my socks was inside out and b) I’d thrown on the jeans I spilled pop on the other day.)
Anyhow, so at least the “excited, energized, enthused” part is true. I’d marked Saturday on my calendar for weeks. The occasion? (Crazy person alert!) An entire day talking fiction with writer friends!
Yes, indeed. From 8:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m., tucked away in my friend’s house in Ames, we honed in on our plots. We straightened our story spines. We outlined our characters’ quests, obstacles, black moments. And, oh, we would’ve made Susan May Warren proud with our talk of greatest fears and greatest dreams!
The event itself, however, did have one “black moment” for me. It came during my turn…I was trying to explain my new book to the group. I chugged through the elements of the LINDY HOP (MBT lingo) and in eloquent terms (i.e. rambling), expounded on my storyline. But as I spilled the story, I started tripping up over my own sticky plot issues. Worry crept in. Followed by insecurity. Followed by me, head in hands, moaning: “Oh my goodness, this isn’t going to work! What am I thinking? I can’t write this! This plot is impossible. I’m not smart enough. I can’t…”
Yeah, see, black moment.
But there’s humor in my hopelessness. ‘Cause you know what? The other writers started giggling. They laughed! They smiled! They said, “Uh, this is sooo not the Melissa you usually are in writing group.”
Huh. Apparently I usually come off as “got it together.” Confident. Which means one thing for sure: I could have a career as an actor if I wanted.
It’s true I usually try to spare the rest of the group my breakdowns. I figure it’s just the nice thing to do, right?
But I learned something Saturday. Letting these women see me at my most “I can’t do this!” moment was liberating. Vulnerability isn’t quite as scary as it seems. And after the laughter, they talked me off the ledge. We zeroed in on my iffy plot points and dug until we discovered the root of my dread. We problem-solved.
Best of all, we bonded. Because they saw the real Melissa…complete with inside out sock, stained jeans and momentary lapse of writer’s insecurity. Which, by the way, I’m pretty sure is a diagnose-able medical condition. It’s nice to know I’ve got somewhere to go when it hits again. 🙂
Comments 6
So is having a black moment what it means to go over to the dark side? It sounds like you all had so much fun, I’m going to have to start writing fiction and join you!
Jolene
Thanks, Jolene. Yes, I do think the “dark side” has its black moments now and then. Totally worth it, though. Oh, how I love fiction…you should definitely join us crazy fiction-ers sometime. 🙂
What else would we have on a the Dark Side? A bright, white moment? Of course, we have those too . . . Aren’t those epiphanies?
I remember the first time I went to my fiction crit group. They read my first five pages–and I sat on the couch and shook. Literally, not figuratively. Knees knocking, hands trembling. I just knew they would banish me from the group forever and ever, Amen.
But they didn’t. One member even said, “Oh, you can do this.”
Surprise.
The best of critique groups let you walk in with a complete chapter–or a complete mess and help you brainstorm it to something that can be rewritten.
Sounds like you have a great group, Melissa!
Thanks, Beth! I agree – there are very white moments!! Like when my local fellow fiction writers helped me out of my plot jam the other day. I totally should’ve mentioned in the blog that I can always turn to the Ponderers too…I LOOOVE the Ps!
Sounds like you have a great crit group, too. And they’re sooo right…you can do this. I will never forget having to read my scene right after yours at the first Storycrafters and thinking, “I have to follow *her*!” I loved that scene…can’t wait to read the rest of it!!
Melissa, thanks for the laugh-out-loud as I read through your blog, totally relating to your black moment. 🙂 Isn’t it so great to have writing/critiquing friends who help us beyond those black moments, into the bright shining moments as they act as voices of truth? God has given you a gift. It’s great to hear that He is growing you and encouraging your writing friends through your vulnerability. 🙂
BTW, I can hardly wait to read your story!
Thanks, Jeanne!! Yes, I think my “black moment” is a common one among writers, but you’re right, the writing friends who pull us out rock! I want to read your story sometime, too!!